10 Days Later...
Dec. 20th, 2025 12:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
practicingbeingmyself12/20
Pokemon of the Day: Larvitar
Ohhhh my God. I didn't get a chance to post before now! I was visiting friends last weekend and this week was so busy at the office that I just didn't get to posting at all. I'd say I've been a little distressed since... oh, Tuesday maybe? Work gets to me and that tills the soil for nerves to come up around other things. I've noticed that when I'm nervous about something at work, it often somehow goes along with something going on in the outside world. I'm really nervous about how immigrants are being treated right now. Half my family are immigrants. And really, I don't think what's going on right now is really about immigration, but about race. I'm nervous about the future and what could happen to me and my family as well as all the non-white people in this country. It's easy at times like this to feel hopeless, like there's nowhere to go that's truly safe.
I find, though, that when I go out in the real world, things don't often feel so bad once I'm there even if I was initially scared to go out. I unexpectedly had to go into the city yesterday to help with an art class for a large group of children. The teacher in charge wasn't very good, and the other person assisting and I were able to back each other up and support each other because the lead teacher wasn't supporting us. The kids were being looked after by some school staff who all seemed nice, and the kids seemed to respond well to them. I was especially impressed because they were all young men. It made me feel like maybe most people do care and want to help each other, especially when someone who *isn't* very helpful is involved... It was a positive experience - I'm finding that I'm often more relaxed when working with children.
Later last night, I was invited to a coworker's game night at her house. I've been to game night at her house once before, and it's always a large group of people I don't know who tend to be very loud. They're DND people and all *very* autistic. Normally, a setting like this would make me feel very nervous, but... I haven't really felt uneasy around them. I felt accepted quickly, even with my extreme shyness, and was allowed to be quiet without being made to feel small or teasing me about it. I really appreciate this. My coworker is a very kind person and has told me that she sees me as her son. Her home is inviting and colorful and full of personality - much like the people who attend game night at her house. They are warm and accepting people who have never made me feel different even though on the outside I seem very different from them. One thing I've noticed about her is how good she is at making community. Anyway, I was there for most of the night and played MarioKart with her, with a couple people coming up to watch us play at different points. She beat me at every round! And afterwards, I sat and watched some of the others play their own game, and I notice myself starting to open up just a little towards them, which is very natural for me.
This reminds me as well of how my team lead at work treats me. While visiting my friends, we determined that she could be a bit more respectful towards me. I often feel very unsure of myself around her because she doesn't have a very sincere personality. She teases me a lot - I suppose my reservedness makes me an easy target - in a way that I can't quite wrap my head around. It seems good-natured, but I can never be sure. I know I'm pretty sensitive too, so I try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Last week, she was starting to get on my nerves. But this past week, she surprised me with her care. It was a stressful week, and she could tell I was starting to get overwhelmed, and to my surprise she took my feelings seriously. She checked up on me and sent me encouraging messages and praised me in front of everyone else when the week was over. After last week, I'd expected her to be dismissive towards me or treat me like a little incapable baby, and maybe she was treating me like a baby in a way, but I guess I didn't *feel* like I was being babied the way she normally makes me feel. I felt more like she was endeared by me, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, and that she wanted me to be content. And that she saw me as a truly capable person, not just an easy target for her teasing.
Maybe all these things I'm talking about are the bare minimum. Maybe I haven't been mature enough in the past to notice things like these, but I've gotten very used to being ignored and invisible. And especially right now, I feel both invisible and too visible at the same time. But in the face of all the blatant bigotry that seems to threaten to tear the whole world apart, in my daily life I begin to see that there are some people out there who make me feel just visible enough for the right reasons.
Pokemon of the Day: Larvitar
Ohhhh my God. I didn't get a chance to post before now! I was visiting friends last weekend and this week was so busy at the office that I just didn't get to posting at all. I'd say I've been a little distressed since... oh, Tuesday maybe? Work gets to me and that tills the soil for nerves to come up around other things. I've noticed that when I'm nervous about something at work, it often somehow goes along with something going on in the outside world. I'm really nervous about how immigrants are being treated right now. Half my family are immigrants. And really, I don't think what's going on right now is really about immigration, but about race. I'm nervous about the future and what could happen to me and my family as well as all the non-white people in this country. It's easy at times like this to feel hopeless, like there's nowhere to go that's truly safe.
I find, though, that when I go out in the real world, things don't often feel so bad once I'm there even if I was initially scared to go out. I unexpectedly had to go into the city yesterday to help with an art class for a large group of children. The teacher in charge wasn't very good, and the other person assisting and I were able to back each other up and support each other because the lead teacher wasn't supporting us. The kids were being looked after by some school staff who all seemed nice, and the kids seemed to respond well to them. I was especially impressed because they were all young men. It made me feel like maybe most people do care and want to help each other, especially when someone who *isn't* very helpful is involved... It was a positive experience - I'm finding that I'm often more relaxed when working with children.
Later last night, I was invited to a coworker's game night at her house. I've been to game night at her house once before, and it's always a large group of people I don't know who tend to be very loud. They're DND people and all *very* autistic. Normally, a setting like this would make me feel very nervous, but... I haven't really felt uneasy around them. I felt accepted quickly, even with my extreme shyness, and was allowed to be quiet without being made to feel small or teasing me about it. I really appreciate this. My coworker is a very kind person and has told me that she sees me as her son. Her home is inviting and colorful and full of personality - much like the people who attend game night at her house. They are warm and accepting people who have never made me feel different even though on the outside I seem very different from them. One thing I've noticed about her is how good she is at making community. Anyway, I was there for most of the night and played MarioKart with her, with a couple people coming up to watch us play at different points. She beat me at every round! And afterwards, I sat and watched some of the others play their own game, and I notice myself starting to open up just a little towards them, which is very natural for me.
This reminds me as well of how my team lead at work treats me. While visiting my friends, we determined that she could be a bit more respectful towards me. I often feel very unsure of myself around her because she doesn't have a very sincere personality. She teases me a lot - I suppose my reservedness makes me an easy target - in a way that I can't quite wrap my head around. It seems good-natured, but I can never be sure. I know I'm pretty sensitive too, so I try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Last week, she was starting to get on my nerves. But this past week, she surprised me with her care. It was a stressful week, and she could tell I was starting to get overwhelmed, and to my surprise she took my feelings seriously. She checked up on me and sent me encouraging messages and praised me in front of everyone else when the week was over. After last week, I'd expected her to be dismissive towards me or treat me like a little incapable baby, and maybe she was treating me like a baby in a way, but I guess I didn't *feel* like I was being babied the way she normally makes me feel. I felt more like she was endeared by me, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, and that she wanted me to be content. And that she saw me as a truly capable person, not just an easy target for her teasing.
Maybe all these things I'm talking about are the bare minimum. Maybe I haven't been mature enough in the past to notice things like these, but I've gotten very used to being ignored and invisible. And especially right now, I feel both invisible and too visible at the same time. But in the face of all the blatant bigotry that seems to threaten to tear the whole world apart, in my daily life I begin to see that there are some people out there who make me feel just visible enough for the right reasons.
