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My eyes were truly opened to the realities of racism in the summer of 2020. Being mixed race and growing up in the rural Midwest, I was sheltered from it for some time. My mom and dad could get along despite looking different, so why would other people have problems with race? As a kid, it was just so... obvious that race is not really.. real? It's something we made up to put people in groups and create a social hierarchy. If I can be both black and white, why do we treat the races as if they are different species? And yet, in 2020, when I was 16, I had a very cruel awakening to how much of a problem race is for people. Videos about atrocities committed against black people for hundreds of years were all I saw on social media - lynchings and beatings and murder and rape and police brutality. And so many demands for people to talk talk TALK ABOUT IT! And so there was all this noise, all the time, and it was noise with a purpose and noise I respect and noise I know is important. But I was so scared, and now that it's all over and some time has passed, I've seen others talk about how it affected them too. To be young and black, still figuring out how to navigate the world, to have all this happen so close to your home?
This feels similar, but worse. This tension has been building all year, when I first started hearing about ICE agents kidnapping people shortly after the inauguration. All the families torn apart, not knowing where their loved ones were or when they would see them again. How could *anyone* think this is okay? But the thing is, there are, and I don't know how to handle that knowledge. I don't even understand how ICE agents are human. Seeing videos of the way they treat people- how do people get to that point? And I feel so silly for feeling that way and being so naive. Am I not a black person? Do I not know how to get up, stand up, speak out? Why do I feel so... stupid? Like a fucking child? Like an infant who says goo goo ga ga and thinks the world is like a Disney movie? Being in disbelief that people could be so cruel and racist... it feels. White. Like something a white person would feel. A white person who goes about their life not worrying about anything at all and thinking everything is great! But that's not even how I feel. Like... I am constantly aware of my race and how I might be perceived. I think about it every day, all the time- probably every time I walk into a room that's not in my own house. But I've gotten used to it.
But what is going on right now is different. ICE is everywhere and they are so, so cruel. It's government mandated racial profiling that affects everyone who isn't white. I am so scared for us all. This isn't about immigration, it's about skin color, accents, language, socio-economic status... they are ripping people out of their cars on the streets because they looked in and saw a brown face. And I know I am privileged here. I was born here, and that's easily verifiable. I come from a middle class family where everyone is an American citizen, I don't have an accent, I only speak English, I don't have a foreign-sounding name, and I'm not of the particular backgrounds that they seem to be especially targeting. But the thing is, because I am mixed, some people, especially of the palm-colored variety, have trouble deciphering what I am. Or actually, now that I say that, is that really true? It might actually be that people of color from various backgrounds see me and wonder if I am from the same place they are from. Ethiopia, Eritrea, India, South Africa, Sudan... I'm from the WORLD. It might be that white people just think I'm black, but they think I'm like, a special kind of black because I look different from most black people. Whatever. It's all people just guessing what I am and being wrong most of the time. It's caused me to be not only constantly aware of what I know I am, but also wondering what people *think* I am and how that might affect the way they treat me. I've been asked awkward questions by strangers on the street and had people I know confess to me that they thought I was from somewhere I'm not until I told them otherwise. And so if the wrong person sees me and decides I must be from the wrong place... what then? I look foreign because I am not what people expect a black person nor, in fact, a mixed person, to look like.
I probably sound really self centered right now. I know this isn't really about me. I know I have *so* much less to worry about than so many people. Like I said before, I'm not at all what they are looking for except for the fact that I am not white. But what affects one group of POC affects us all. Knowing that all this violence is going on all around me to people I know have so many systems working against them because of who they are weighs heavily on me. I know it's probably wrong to say this, but sometimes it feels like white people are from a different world because they will never know what it's like to feel like this. This is all so unjust and so many white people just don't care because it doesn't affect them! I can't even imagine!
I really want to do something that isn't protesting. I immensely respect protestors, but that's not how I want to help. I want to help the families affected by this more directly. I've heard about people bringing groceries to families who are scared to leave their houses for fear of being picked up by ICE, but I'm not sure how to get involved in those things. Really, it would be great if I could do something in my own neighborhood. My neighborhood seems to have a sizable immigrant population. They would be immigrants with money, but they are immigrants no less, and that's exactly what ICE is looking for. The other day I was driving home when I stopped so the neighborhood kids could get off the bus. Almost every one of them was black or Asian. I wonder if there is some way I could reach out to the children and families in this neighborhood in a way that would support their mental health through all this? Social unrest and political strife was a big factor in my own identity development and really affected my self esteem when I was a teenager. If I, an adult who is only maybe kinda affected by this, am scared, how do those children feel?
This feels similar, but worse. This tension has been building all year, when I first started hearing about ICE agents kidnapping people shortly after the inauguration. All the families torn apart, not knowing where their loved ones were or when they would see them again. How could *anyone* think this is okay? But the thing is, there are, and I don't know how to handle that knowledge. I don't even understand how ICE agents are human. Seeing videos of the way they treat people- how do people get to that point? And I feel so silly for feeling that way and being so naive. Am I not a black person? Do I not know how to get up, stand up, speak out? Why do I feel so... stupid? Like a fucking child? Like an infant who says goo goo ga ga and thinks the world is like a Disney movie? Being in disbelief that people could be so cruel and racist... it feels. White. Like something a white person would feel. A white person who goes about their life not worrying about anything at all and thinking everything is great! But that's not even how I feel. Like... I am constantly aware of my race and how I might be perceived. I think about it every day, all the time- probably every time I walk into a room that's not in my own house. But I've gotten used to it.
But what is going on right now is different. ICE is everywhere and they are so, so cruel. It's government mandated racial profiling that affects everyone who isn't white. I am so scared for us all. This isn't about immigration, it's about skin color, accents, language, socio-economic status... they are ripping people out of their cars on the streets because they looked in and saw a brown face. And I know I am privileged here. I was born here, and that's easily verifiable. I come from a middle class family where everyone is an American citizen, I don't have an accent, I only speak English, I don't have a foreign-sounding name, and I'm not of the particular backgrounds that they seem to be especially targeting. But the thing is, because I am mixed, some people, especially of the palm-colored variety, have trouble deciphering what I am. Or actually, now that I say that, is that really true? It might actually be that people of color from various backgrounds see me and wonder if I am from the same place they are from. Ethiopia, Eritrea, India, South Africa, Sudan... I'm from the WORLD. It might be that white people just think I'm black, but they think I'm like, a special kind of black because I look different from most black people. Whatever. It's all people just guessing what I am and being wrong most of the time. It's caused me to be not only constantly aware of what I know I am, but also wondering what people *think* I am and how that might affect the way they treat me. I've been asked awkward questions by strangers on the street and had people I know confess to me that they thought I was from somewhere I'm not until I told them otherwise. And so if the wrong person sees me and decides I must be from the wrong place... what then? I look foreign because I am not what people expect a black person nor, in fact, a mixed person, to look like.
I probably sound really self centered right now. I know this isn't really about me. I know I have *so* much less to worry about than so many people. Like I said before, I'm not at all what they are looking for except for the fact that I am not white. But what affects one group of POC affects us all. Knowing that all this violence is going on all around me to people I know have so many systems working against them because of who they are weighs heavily on me. I know it's probably wrong to say this, but sometimes it feels like white people are from a different world because they will never know what it's like to feel like this. This is all so unjust and so many white people just don't care because it doesn't affect them! I can't even imagine!
I really want to do something that isn't protesting. I immensely respect protestors, but that's not how I want to help. I want to help the families affected by this more directly. I've heard about people bringing groceries to families who are scared to leave their houses for fear of being picked up by ICE, but I'm not sure how to get involved in those things. Really, it would be great if I could do something in my own neighborhood. My neighborhood seems to have a sizable immigrant population. They would be immigrants with money, but they are immigrants no less, and that's exactly what ICE is looking for. The other day I was driving home when I stopped so the neighborhood kids could get off the bus. Almost every one of them was black or Asian. I wonder if there is some way I could reach out to the children and families in this neighborhood in a way that would support their mental health through all this? Social unrest and political strife was a big factor in my own identity development and really affected my self esteem when I was a teenager. If I, an adult who is only maybe kinda affected by this, am scared, how do those children feel?
