I Like Myself
Dec. 23rd, 2025 05:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
practicingbeingmyself12/23
Pokemon of the Day: Slugma
Over the past few days I've been playing my Fire Emblem game a lot. I'm starting to understand why people get addicted to video games! Most of the appeal of the game, at least for me, comes from interacting with the characters or watching them interact with each other. Well, the battles are pretty cool too, but that's besides the point. There's a character I've been getting attached to, but it's also caused me to be a little more aware of my insecurities.
I often make sense of myself through characters. I think it's because it's easier to be compassionate to someone who is outside myself even if I'm aware it's because I have some things in common with them. I wish I could take that energy and learn how to direct at myself instead of someone who isn't real! But alas... anyway, the character I'm interested in right now is called Ignatz. Ignatz is a young man who is training to become a knight to please his parents, but in his heart wants to be an artist. He's a very wholesome character and very pure of heart, but a lot of people don't like him. The reasons for this are because they don't think he's very attractive, they don't like his lack of self confidence, and they think the other characters are more interesting.
I really don't like how incredibly shallow people can be. To dislike a character because they're not "sexy" is so bizarre to me. I happen to think he's very attractive! I find him very marriageable, but because I'm playing the game as a male I can't romance him :( But it is true though, I guess I wouldn't say he has a lot of sex appeal, but that's not something I personally value anyway.
The other two reasons people ignore him, though, have made me think. I was drawn to this character because he reminds me so much of myself, and his lack of self confidence was one of those reasons. The thing is, I've never thought of insecurity or low self-esteem as something that usually renders a person unlikeable. It's something that people present in a variety of ways. For example, low self-esteem can sometimes come out as cruelty in a person, and of course that makes a person unlikeable, but in that case it's the cruelty that's really the problem. Ignatz is a character who stumbles a bit over his words. He's awkward, and he apologizes for things a lot. I find these traits endearing, but it seems a lot of people don't. Seeing other people's opinions of him made me direct that same criticism at myself. Is my awkwardness also annoying?
Of course, Ignatz is essentially an anime character, and so everything about his personality is a little over-the-top, but I know that my shyness probably reads as a form of low self-esteem. I know I have low self-esteem too. But it's strange, because when I think about it, I don't feel like I dislike myself. I like myself a lot more than I like most people. I value my creative mind, gentle nature, and soft heart. I know I have flaws, and I think I'm more aware of my flaws than I am of my strengths, but still I think I have a generally neutral to positive opinion of myself. I think the problem is I don't think most other people like me and I don't know why. I think I make a lot of social mistakes, most of them relating to my lack of socializing in general, and I think it makes people think less of me. I've been made to feel my shyness is a problem since I started school as a little kid, as if it's something that will prohibit me from having a productive, meaningful life. Mostly teachers and parents have made me feel this way. I wish I had been taught how to embrace and love my shyness instead, because now I am a young adult who goes about my life as if my social struggles make me the most shameful person on earth.
In the office especially I feel like such a freak, constantly assessing every little social cue and berating myself for all the ones I missed. And they're such subtle things! Not looking at someone long enough, saying something a few seconds too late... it's these tiny little things but I know people pay attention to them and that they make me come off a certain way. I think it's fairly obvious that my shyness comes from a place of fear and timidity, which is something that I also don't understand would make me unlikeable to other people. Maybe some people see it as childish? In general, I tend to get the impression that most people are endeared by it, but there are some I worry see it as unprofessional.
I've noticed as time goes on that I've become more and more closed off. I just never say anything that means anything anymore. I'm not sincere or vulnerable anymore, and the few times I've tried to be open I've deeply regretted it afterwards. I don't like to share things with other people unless I really, really trust them. And even when I try to talk to people I trust I don't know what to say! So really, my shyness and awkwardness comes from a place of self protection. I was too trusting and vulnerable as a child and it didn't do me any favors.
So when I see Ignatz, who struggles to be true to himself and stumbles over his words because he struggles with his confidence despite being kind and warm and innocent, I see a lot of myself in that. Because I like myself deep down, I love Ignatz too. But to know other people overlook and criticize him for the things about him that I find charming, it makes me extra insecure. I may like myself, but I know I'm not confident. Why can't I just be more confident! But why can't people be kinder? Why won't people just let me be shy and not treat me some type of way because of it! And why don't people value humility and kindness? Why do things like looks and social dominance dictate how a person is treated? I don't want to be sexy and flashy and the center of attention! I just want to be quiet and calm and allowed to think before I speak.
It's such a crazy feeling to be insecure about being insecure!
Pokemon of the Day: Slugma
Over the past few days I've been playing my Fire Emblem game a lot. I'm starting to understand why people get addicted to video games! Most of the appeal of the game, at least for me, comes from interacting with the characters or watching them interact with each other. Well, the battles are pretty cool too, but that's besides the point. There's a character I've been getting attached to, but it's also caused me to be a little more aware of my insecurities.
I often make sense of myself through characters. I think it's because it's easier to be compassionate to someone who is outside myself even if I'm aware it's because I have some things in common with them. I wish I could take that energy and learn how to direct at myself instead of someone who isn't real! But alas... anyway, the character I'm interested in right now is called Ignatz. Ignatz is a young man who is training to become a knight to please his parents, but in his heart wants to be an artist. He's a very wholesome character and very pure of heart, but a lot of people don't like him. The reasons for this are because they don't think he's very attractive, they don't like his lack of self confidence, and they think the other characters are more interesting.
I really don't like how incredibly shallow people can be. To dislike a character because they're not "sexy" is so bizarre to me. I happen to think he's very attractive! I find him very marriageable, but because I'm playing the game as a male I can't romance him :( But it is true though, I guess I wouldn't say he has a lot of sex appeal, but that's not something I personally value anyway.
The other two reasons people ignore him, though, have made me think. I was drawn to this character because he reminds me so much of myself, and his lack of self confidence was one of those reasons. The thing is, I've never thought of insecurity or low self-esteem as something that usually renders a person unlikeable. It's something that people present in a variety of ways. For example, low self-esteem can sometimes come out as cruelty in a person, and of course that makes a person unlikeable, but in that case it's the cruelty that's really the problem. Ignatz is a character who stumbles a bit over his words. He's awkward, and he apologizes for things a lot. I find these traits endearing, but it seems a lot of people don't. Seeing other people's opinions of him made me direct that same criticism at myself. Is my awkwardness also annoying?
Of course, Ignatz is essentially an anime character, and so everything about his personality is a little over-the-top, but I know that my shyness probably reads as a form of low self-esteem. I know I have low self-esteem too. But it's strange, because when I think about it, I don't feel like I dislike myself. I like myself a lot more than I like most people. I value my creative mind, gentle nature, and soft heart. I know I have flaws, and I think I'm more aware of my flaws than I am of my strengths, but still I think I have a generally neutral to positive opinion of myself. I think the problem is I don't think most other people like me and I don't know why. I think I make a lot of social mistakes, most of them relating to my lack of socializing in general, and I think it makes people think less of me. I've been made to feel my shyness is a problem since I started school as a little kid, as if it's something that will prohibit me from having a productive, meaningful life. Mostly teachers and parents have made me feel this way. I wish I had been taught how to embrace and love my shyness instead, because now I am a young adult who goes about my life as if my social struggles make me the most shameful person on earth.
In the office especially I feel like such a freak, constantly assessing every little social cue and berating myself for all the ones I missed. And they're such subtle things! Not looking at someone long enough, saying something a few seconds too late... it's these tiny little things but I know people pay attention to them and that they make me come off a certain way. I think it's fairly obvious that my shyness comes from a place of fear and timidity, which is something that I also don't understand would make me unlikeable to other people. Maybe some people see it as childish? In general, I tend to get the impression that most people are endeared by it, but there are some I worry see it as unprofessional.
I've noticed as time goes on that I've become more and more closed off. I just never say anything that means anything anymore. I'm not sincere or vulnerable anymore, and the few times I've tried to be open I've deeply regretted it afterwards. I don't like to share things with other people unless I really, really trust them. And even when I try to talk to people I trust I don't know what to say! So really, my shyness and awkwardness comes from a place of self protection. I was too trusting and vulnerable as a child and it didn't do me any favors.
So when I see Ignatz, who struggles to be true to himself and stumbles over his words because he struggles with his confidence despite being kind and warm and innocent, I see a lot of myself in that. Because I like myself deep down, I love Ignatz too. But to know other people overlook and criticize him for the things about him that I find charming, it makes me extra insecure. I may like myself, but I know I'm not confident. Why can't I just be more confident! But why can't people be kinder? Why won't people just let me be shy and not treat me some type of way because of it! And why don't people value humility and kindness? Why do things like looks and social dominance dictate how a person is treated? I don't want to be sexy and flashy and the center of attention! I just want to be quiet and calm and allowed to think before I speak.
It's such a crazy feeling to be insecure about being insecure!
